Dating myself: turns out i'm TOXIC!!!

I applied for a therapist after work today. Actually, it was during work. Boss makes a dollar I make a dime that's why I hit rock bottom and realize I need professional help on company time. Or whatever they say. As a reward (read: spiritual punishment) I looked through a ton of old pictures on my phone, highlights include images of my exes, my recently deceased dog (RIP SPENCER ILY4L), and times in my life where I was cuter, crazier, chattier. I know that sort of behavior is a losing game, and I always romanticize the past no matter how bad or mediocre it actually was, but I couldn't help it. I texted Lili about it, complaining about how much of a carefree player I was two years ago. Doing ketamine before class and cute eyeliner every day. Unstable/unstoppable. I wasn't even that happy, if I really try to remember and get back into that headspace. Just happier than I am now, in this dreary and out-of-it era of my life. I looked at pictures un-movingly until my phone died. 

I've been peering into my past so much for so long, and for a while I considered it some sort of super ego/ID schemed up self harm adjacent behavior, but I had an 'aha' moment the other day and maybe I'm simply trying to remember who I am, or who I've been before. Many such cases. 

Having a digital record (in my pocket/hand/under pillow/in my lap, etc) of what I looked like, spoke like, dressed like virtually every day for the last 8 years is so interesting because when I scroll through I don't change that much day to day. But if I skip up a year, the difference is so obvious. 

In my pocket/hand/under pillow/in my lap, etc I have tangible, time-stamped records, archives, PROOF, of mutual feelings growing and ebbing, of the sweet names we called each other changing over the years, of virtual gifts in the forms of letters and playlists, her photo in my virtual locket, a home screen, a lock screen. In my room, in this physical plane, memorialized on my wall in drawings and photos, your hoodie with it's arms around me, a heating pad on the small of my back, trying and failing to conjure you from thin air. I can scroll through big proclamations of love, coming to the others' rescue in a difficult moment, familiar emojis and whispered voice notes. I don't remember writing those things, or sending them. But they make me remember the feelings. And make me regret putting it down and walking away.

I carry so much shame, guilt, fear, negativity with me every day. My pockets are full and heavy, dragging me to the bottom of the pool. There's no extra room in me to love myself, let myself be fully happy or in the moment. I have no bandwidth, there is no vacancy at the inn. I have these sad thoughts, or, they have their way with me, really, they play out like terrible movies, evil hypotheticals and I can do nothing but welcome the achey dull stabs of sadness in my gut and my chest. I dwell in that garbage dump mind prison until I get bored and watch reels lmaooooo.

I'm addicted to feeling guilty the same way I'm addicted to Instagram. Sick, sick dopamine. I oscillate violently between bottom-of-the-barrel-despair and blind optimism that things will improve, eventually. 

Long beautiful days present themselves to me to be wasted away, laying on the couch with an anxious heart rate and frozen-mid-shrug shoulders. I want to revel in the free time, in the freedom. To take full advantage of each day which is really a present wrapped in a bow. Each day a new chance to laugh at something, to love someone, to breathe air!!!! I will be open to love again, I will enjoy my days again, I will find my purpose one step at a time. I will like myself again, I will feel passionate again!!!

I am determined to get my zest back!!!! I am slowly starting to remember that I can AND WILL feel better, I will claw myself out of this mood I've been in. I swam this morning. And I laid on the couch for a bit in the afternoon. I cried a little in traffic on I-84 going west, and I painted my nails red. I defrosted tamales I was only meant to refrigerate and devoured 3 in a row. I'm dyeing my hair on Sunday. I don't have to answer to anyone, I am a free bird. I have many loving, fulfilling friendships. My family is getting along and feels closer than we ever have. I have a very easy and well paid job. I  could technically for a while at least, do whatever I want, if I wanted to do that, which I don't, thanks. I am a really good swimmer and collager. I try to do good in the world. Animals love me. I pick up litter when I see it on the ground. I write my friends letters. I have cool creative outlets. I am getting better at budgeting. This morning I was at my desk precisely at 9:00am. Like things on paper are objectively fine and more than fine. Can I chill out?? No!!

me rn unfortunately

I really need structure in my life to enjoy it. That's why I'm so stoked to the sponsor of this post, Google Calendar! If you know me you know I use this dang thing every day, and it makes sure I can efficiently fry my nervous system by planning my days to have increasingly complex and overly ambitious social schedules and other wise, such as appointments, so my day is like a well oiled machine of activity that keeps me from dwelling on those uncomfortable thoughts that are 7 months overdue for emotional processing <3 cheers!!!!!!

Tidbits

Here are some scraps, poems, pictures, the detritus at the bottom of my purse :p

I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE!

 [4/24/24]

I am in class it's my second to last class session ever of my life. That's so dope for me personally. Fiona and I had the genius idea of getting dr*nk all day. We took shots in the swim locker room and then me and Jane had our best workout ever. They were playing the most lit music and I was cross faded doing squats and planks and such thinking to myself 'THIS is portland's hottest nightclub right now'

We also have a running list going of what activities we should do during the first week of summer after we graduate (in literally one week and 3 days wtf??) and here are some of the highlights from that list: go to the enchanted forest on shrooms, kate teaches sophia and fiona how to swim, go to coffin club (fiona's goth debut), kate shaves legs, go on a hike to a waterfall, make popsicles out of buzzballz, and practice/master the art of whistling (namely the infamous 'wolf whistle'). 

I am beyond excited.

I always get really really pumped and delusional about summer, and I have since I was like 10 years old and I don't think I'll ever stop. I love getting my hopes up and then let down. It's the season of my birthday, I make pintrest boards of what energy I want to experience and it's all so romanticized and grounded in nothing but delusion. Expectations do nothing but get me excited and latched onto an ideal that is impossible to obtain. 

Speaking of cyclical ups and downs, I recently coined a term for a lifestyle pattern/choice of mine. I present to you... drum roll... the kate milne dash and crash. Basically I push myself to insane limits and do super long packed days until I literally cannot take it any more and then I crash, harrrrd. As I'm writing this now (5/6/24), I just graduated. It happened guys!! A ton of my family members (15+) came to portland to see me graduate and we had a little family reunion of sorts. It was so fun, and so overwhelming, a whirlwind weekend that left me feeling like a shell of a person all day yesterday. We ate tamale boy and cubo de cuba, drove around in the rain and had a fun time at my house. It was so nice because Oli stayed with me in my room while the rest of my fam stayed at the blue bird inn, a boarding house type place that is super quaint. So I got extra time with her which was so special. I told her I hope we get to live in the same place again, I hate only seeing her a couple times a year.  I got my electronic diploma sent to my email, and my name looks so cool in the fancy cursive used on things like that.

My birthday is in July, and it's part of why I get such high hopes for summers. This year I'm planning on doing a jersey shore themed party, I want to party like it's 2008 and have a horrible fake tan to match. Last year me and eric combined our celebrations, and our ages, and had a conjoined 43rd birthday party. This year we would be turning 45 how sweet :,) 

I'm in a coffee shop and listening to the baristas chat about one of their high school girlfriends who had a horse named coco. Maybe it was cocoa. Makes me want to watch strawberry shortcake again, because my dad used to tell me and oli a story about a horse race on the beach where strawberry races against her friends, and one of the horses names was cocoa, as decided by my dad. I really want to have access to horses this summer. I think I'll try to find a place to volunteer/work at as a barnhand, and see if I can sneak some riding time out of it. That worked really well for me when I volunteered once a week at the hippotherapy place in gresham a couple years ago, I just gotta find someplace to do it at. I searched a while ago and found a stable on Sauvie island that looked super dope, maybe I'll call them. 

Pony babie circa 2021

This is the barn kitty I think his name was baxter..
barns always have cats it's another perk

[didn't write for sooo long]

    

    It's now 5/27/24, I love taking over a month to write one post smh. I've started my internship at Rose Haven, and have had a good time so far because they're having me continue my thesis research, and post about it blog style on their website!! Getting paid to write a blog post about something I'm passionate about... dream come true...

    

    I'm in Cali for a week, I drove down with Fiona and Kaylee and have been loving the perfect blue sky. It's like the best thing about california I don't know how they get it so blue but it does something to me.

Mt. Shasta (i think)

Yesterday me and Evie got philz (thank GOD I was dying without it in portland) and then drove to santa cruz. We hung out on the beach and frolicked in the waves in our wetsuits like otters. The water was so cold but so refreshing and genuinely snapped me out of the anxiety spiral I have been in for the last like two weeks. Figuring out housing and also packing up my room, starting my Rose Haven position, hosting a party and immediately driving home was sending me up the wall a little bit. But when I got in the water, manually breathing because it was so cold it was like my brain had been taken out of my head, rinsed off, and put back in. It felt so good. Being in the sun and the wind and the water was so rejuvenating. Sometimes I go a long time without swimming and then when I swim again I'm like omfg this is what I've been missing this is why everything feels wrong. I need the water, maybe it's because I'm a cancer or because I've spent so many hours in the pool but whenever I am submerged I am reminded that it's my favorite state of being. 

    We had the ultimate norcal day because that same night we drove up to Evie's place in tahoe with nick and luna. Being in the pacific and the mountains in the same day is so special and I don't think I've done that before. It's memorial day, and the last day of the spring ski season at Palisades, so while they hit the slopes me and luna hung out at a cafe at the base. We got lunch there too and then when we were back at the house I tried to ride a bike I found in the garage with luna on a leash attached to me, and right before we started zooming down a giant hill I realized that the brakes were disconnected. It was so scary I immediately put my feet down and somehow managed to not make us wipe out but that could've gone sooo different (extremely bad!!!!). We just went for a walk down to the lake after that and it was really nice. It's super warm out today, but there's still a ton of snow around, which I haven't really seen before. Tons of snow melt runoff everywhere, and luna would tromp through it in such a cute way.

    

Getting ready in the parking lot..

Gorgeous grin

Snowy lake!

    I had a challengers themed house party the night before I left portland, I've seen the movie three times in theaters because I'm addicted to zendaya and also because the soundtrack was so good and I just love everything about it. Having a party theme where people had to dress sporty was really fun and funny and super different than the themes I usually do. A small ish amount of people came, it's hard in the summer to get people to show up to things because everyone's always all over the place doing different shit. I love hosting stuff and don't know if I'll be able to have parties at my new place, I kind of highly doubt it.

I'll have to start scouting for locations for my jersey night... muahhahaha. I wore a braid extension thing to be like Tashi in the movie.. the pics were so cute it made me want to switch sports!!

Celebratory knee slide in my cleared out room (I was packing right up until when people started arriving)

Supportive high five for moving all my shit out

We opposite matched on accident.. so good

serving..

Me and charcoal sparkle <3

[9/14/24]

Wow ok so this post has taken literally the entire summer to write... from the end of April until mid September. Since our last update, I've been working at my internship at the County, twiddling my thumbs and doing some cool stuff but mostly getting paid to look at the wall. I went on a big roadtrip with evie to boston, and am working on a youtube video of that experience. I saw both sets of grandparents, got really settled into my new place with teeks, and am now applying to jobs and whatnot because my internships are ending. I got a speeding ticket and a couple of different haircuts. I'll be reading my "seventeen" piece at rosalind's zine launch party later this month, which should be really fun. I carry a little notebook with me everywhere now, and it has been really productive for poetry, journaling, and compulsive list making. I mostly stay off instagram and still don't have a therapist. Life is alright.

Love you thank you for reading xxxxx Kate

Songs about Seventeen

An ode to songs called "seventeen" and to my best friend Ella who showed me that every song about being 17 is the best song ever.

---

seventeen by sharon van etten

I'm in the passenger seat and it's a Friday night. We have nothing better to do so me and my friends are going for a drive, one of thousands of such drives we’d take over the course of our restless high school years. We wind up the hills on dark backroads, windows down, our off-key voices leaving a trace of us among the quiet trees lining the asphalt, fleeting and headstrong, at once loud and self-concious. 

I get goosebumps when Sharon Van Etten sings "I used to be seventeen. Now you're just like me... I see you so uncomfortably alone. I wish I could show you how much you've grown." Her voice floods the car with emotion and I tear up. Her words tease and comfort me like an older sister’s, and I think about what it's like to be seventeen, feeling like you're at the bottom of a mountain looking up, the oldest and wisest you've ever been but understanding that when you look back it will all feel so far away, so juvenile. 

---

seventeen by peach pit

"Back at Patrick park/We stood in the dark. In my beer-stained mind, I said/'Please won't you be mine?'"

It's the eve of my seventeenth birthday and I'm laying on my back in a square patch of grass. Paul is laying next to me and we’re probably talking about something stupid. Paul was my summer fling two summers in a row, back when I thought I was bi and needed to prove to myself that yes, I could like a guy, and yes, he could like me back. He was loaded, his family exclusively drove white Porsches, and he was a weird dude but very handsome. We met in physics class, junior year, and awkwardly made out from time to time. 

Under the yellow orange glow from the street lights, midnight creeps closer, and I get more and more giddy about aging up from sweet sixteen to a flirty, mysterious seventeen. It seems like such a big deal, and driving Paul back to his place as the clock struck midnight (past my curfew) I felt very adult. He runs inside and comes back out with a gift for me, Lorde's Pure Heroine on vinyl. I just about cry. My all time favorite album; Lorde infused those songs with wisdom and depth of emotion little girls attain at fourteen and men might eventually achieve if they do acid enough times. We kiss and I drive home, a grinning seventeen year old with a new prized possession. 

---

seventeen by ladytron

I'm with my best friends and we’re walking to a party we aren't really invited to. I'm almost shaking with anxiety about socializing where I’m not welcome, nowhere near grown into myself, wearing clothes I hate because I can't bear to not fit in, even though I know the yoga pants and crop top don't look right on my over six foot frame. Walking the mile to the party along a busy road at rush hour, I can feel the eyes of every passing car driver on our backs like mosquito bites. Then they start honking. It's a fast road, each honker whizzing by and anonymous, and we four are stoic sitting ducks, refusing to walk faster or act like it bothers us. 

"They only want you when you're seventeen, when you're twenty one, you're no fun." And it's true, most of the times I've been cat called were when I was a teenager; it's funny how now that I could legally be into that kind of thing, the honks have halted. Something about teenhood, looking vulnerable, and walking places lends itself to overconfident drivers and shouted quips through an open window. 

We didn't make it into the party—they had a fucking guest list and a bouncer—and a hidden part of me was so relieved that we didn't have to go in, that we could just watch tv and lick our rejection inflicted wounds. Walking back home we took side streets, strolling in peace, seventeen and laughing with years ahead of us to throw our own parties. 

May to June

 This is the second year in a row where May to June has been the most jarring, flip flop, 180 switch ever. Last year I was coming back from Australia, had no car, no job, no girlfriend. Then by June, all of those were opposite. This May, I graduated from LC, moved out of my old place, started a job, visited home, and felt generally very uprooted and frazzled. Now it's mid June, and I've started a second job, moved into my new apartment with Teeks and Laszlo, got a hair cut and my septum redone (and high nostril studs removed), and feel better, I think.

It's exciting to explore a new part of town, and settle into new routines. I got something off my chest that had been stressing me out for months, and deleted instagram again. I went for a run one day after work at the county building and wrote some unhinged single lines of discordant poetry in my notes app. It was so nice outside, and I sat and watched people play softball and kick ball in the park. I got really in my feelings, which was needed. I need to find new modes of catharsis, now that I'm an adult in the world (scream).

Here are some things I've seen recently:

👾 The largest protected freshwater wetland within an American city... it was the Smith and Bybee wetlands, which I stumbled upon when I took a wrong turn off the highway coming home from my piercing appointment in Vancouver. I got my board out and skated for a while, I want to come back with a canoe or something like that.

me and my trick board (i have 3 now >.< determined to get good this summer)

👾 A little bunny lost on a biking overpass over the highway... I was riding a nike bike home from Roadside (where I had a furious public journaling sesh and a good sob while texting with ella and then a recovery drink with Qwynci) when I crossed over the I5 on a bridge for walking and biking when I looked down and saw what I thought was a rat running alongside next to me. I almost swerved and fell out of fright but then I realized it was a small brown cottontail, who was lost and looking over the edge trying to find it's way home to the burrow (probably? or the bunny clerb) and I screeched to a halt and watched worridly as it eventually found it's way back to solid land. Thank god. I don't think my psyche could've survived watching a young bun accidentally jump off an overpass omfg.

👾 A little girl with a bright pink cast on her leg... she looked like the same age as I was when I broke my left leg (first grade) and got a bright pink cast and a wheelchair. That's how I learned my lefts and rights, I just look down and remember which one of my legs had a cast on it. Real shit.

👾 A gorgeous classic car and a Tesla truck in the same day... I don't know what kind of old car it was but it was red and white and a convertible and sexyyyy. Cars used to look so nice and sturdy. I saw a tesla truck later that day and I think it was the first one I had ever seen in Portland. It was sooo ugly but also looked sturdy I guess. How do people see out of those??

👾 Water reflecting off of rocks as I waited for the shrooms to kick in... they never did. I kept staring at different things around me while we were at High Rocks to swim and waiting for them to look weird or different. I stared at a huge American flag in the distance, and it looked like it was blowing and rippling in slow motion. But I think that was normal flag behavior. I stared at water reflecting off the rocks for so long, and it was beautiful. But the shrooms never hit.

gorgeous reflections were going on in this region here

I hope the rest of June is good and fun and I keep feeling more settled and real. I have a bunch of events happening around town saved in my calendar, and I am excited to go and meet new people hopefully. 

xoxoxoxoox Kate

BRAT GREEN! and a poem.

It's everywhere. It's everything to me. 

How did charli know this is my favorite color? Or
that I have to watch spring breakers annually? That troye and shygirl are my second and third faves, after her... wow

"That city sewer slut's the vibe <3" - 360

"We've been talking for months, but never in the same room. And now I wanna approach ya, but we've been keeping this a secret. And you're surrounded by friends and I'm just wondering what they know. I wish you'd talk talk wish you'd talk talk wish you'd just talk to me!!!!" - Talk talk

"Bad tattoos on leather tanned skin, Jesus Christ on a plastic sign, fall in love again and again, winding roads doing manual drive." - Everything is romantic

 "Used to burn Cds full of songs I didn't know, used to sit in my bedroom puttin' polish on my toes" - Rewind

Greyhound to my Left and a Couple Kissing to my Right

by frznstrwbrries

Feeling stupid young and horny this summer

With coke in my new nose piercing and my

Office job and staring out the window.

What the fuck am I doing??

Please god could I just

Chill out &&& enjoy the moment?

Look at those

Dust bunnies in the dog park,

Adults playing kickball,

Strangers enjoying each other's company.

Hang up some fly traps, 

See if that works.

I chose 6 of my figurines to worship

They represent things like

Happiness, greed, etc.

Give them names and backstories

Forcing spirituality and prayer cuz 

I don’t think anyone should feel so empty, 

Empty like sparking lighters and travel shampoo bottles.

That thing I need again 

It’s right over my shoulder,

Isn't it?

Turn turn turn desperate and dizzy and disilusioned.

I keep moving so my own shadow won’t catch up to me.

I don’t know how to talk to my mom, 

I want the air to feel like home again.

Perfect atmospheric pressure

Sky so Truman show blue,

Except it is today and I’m still not satisfied.

Bottomless greed that’s what I feel 

More guilt more!!!! More more more!

Eat me out like Jell-O shots,

Oxygen tank thrown in the fire pit.

California poppies and a summer salad,

I won't feed myself,

It’s all about self sabotage, control, feeling guilty.

You told me you wanted to kiss me 

I said I’ll think about it.

Tears fall like nothing it doesn’t take much 

Someone told me... 

I forgot.

Spring Break: Writing Retreat

 "Having a crush and vaping are the most fun things a human could do probably." - Claire Williams

Helllloooo readerzzz IT'S APRIL BITCH!

I'm back in Portland(ia) after my favorite holiday ever: spring break. Peak escapism from school, I get to go home and walk dogs (Luna, Spencer, Roxy, no particular order), sleep in my childhood bedroom and drink coffees. I wrote a lot of my thesis which was really good because I was having really bad writers block. Block is broken!!! I turned in my first draft this week it was a HEAEVY PACKET of me saying the same thing over and over. Now for the editing... alas let's talk about something fun. 

Luna!!! my princess

Dog walking fit yes yes

Charli xcx night at the Holocene was so much fun and it was the night before I left for home. My plan was to just stay up after partying and then get to the airport around 4 am for my 6 am flight... in fact I fell asleep immediately when I got home at 3 and woke up at 5:10... against all odds I made it to the airport at like 5:46 and made it to my gate at 5:53 and as I sprinted up to the gate they were like 'Katharine?' and I was like *out of breath and sweating* 'yes' and then she was like 'I'm going to rebook you to the next flight' and I was like 'ugh' but then I just chilled in the airport and had computer time. Fun fact about me is that the airport is one of my favorite places to hang out I just sit and scroll and walk around and wash my hands it's my perfect eneclosure. Sometimes at SFO when I was a kid there'd be some pigeons that would find their way into the airport and I'd watch on in horror as they used the waterfountain like a bird bath and be looking around like 'is anyone else seeing this shit??'

For the purpose of this exact blog post I actually looked up a bunch of variations of 'pigeons in sfo early 2000s how' because I swear on my life that I saw multiple birds multiple times just chilling inside the airport terminal but there's like nothing about it online and now I think I was either have super insane hallucinations or false memories or I created my own mandela effect situation. If you've ever seen birds that weren't supposed to be there in the aiport PLEASE comment to let me know I'm not alone.

So back to the topic of spring break, Spring Breakers is one of my favorite movies of all time. It was in my top 3 for years, which included, no particular order: Spring Breakers, American Honey, and Stick It. I mean obviously I was onllllly interested in the plots of these movies (read: young lesbian perv). I like to rewatch those 3 movies at least once a year, to keep me on track. In touch with my roots and whatnot. Part of my continual effort to stay true to meself. Now, as an older lesbian perv, my top 3 is Bottoms, Love Lies Bleeding, and American Honey (she persisted!!)

I just watched a youtube interview with Sasha Lane about American Honey and while I already knew that she was cast because the director saw her out and about and thought 'I need her' (which would also be my thought process verbatim), apparently she was on a beach during spring break when she was spotted. mind bllown life is so beautiful and interconnected SCREAM

You can watch for yourself if you'd like >.< <-- here 

When I go home for breaks I like to do my usual at home activities. I drove to the beach on a whim after dropping my mom off at the airport (same one that once had those maybe real maybe fake pigeon spottings), my favorite beach in Half Moon Bay. The one I can drive to with my eyes closed, no map, the one that's by my favorite sandwhich shop.

I got my sandwhich (turkey, sprouts, swiss, everything on it) and a bottle of coke drove it over and sat on a bench and squinted into the sun and the wind and listened to the waves and scowled at the ice plants (invasive species in Cali if you didn't know)

Blufftop coastal park

Soooo pretty I can't

I walked along the shore on the hard part of the sand and made up songs and sang them to myself and watched those little bird with legs as fast as lightning run up and down by the surf, I wanted to film an ASMR video on the beach but after filming one clip my phone died and I was FORCED against my WILL to live in the moment. UGHHHHH (just kidding it was fine and nice)

I left feeling windswept and rejuvenated and full of life and I drove back home along skyline, the winding road at the very top of the range of hills separating the bay from the sea. To my right I could see the pacific ocean in all her glory and to my left was the whole bay area spread out beneath me. I blasted Chappell Roan's album 'The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess' over and over and it was amazing.

That album is so important to me right now, it's upbeat and so gay and is my theme music at this time. She is my Olivia Rodrigo, don't know how else to describe it. 

Anyways, I hope you are having such a good spring, I hope you're awakening in whatever way makes sense, and getting soo so excited for summer!!!1!

Kiss kiss

Kate