God smiles on his children on occasion

 12/22/24 

As lifted from my yellow leather journal with the wrapping string to keep it closed.

It's the crack of 1pm and I've biked down to backyard brew. It's a farmers market day and (pen fading significantly) I don't have another pen. 

aforementioned yellow leather journal entry. I continued on to have pages of near invisible writing.

Yesterday Ella and I went to the city for my friend's poetry reading at the Bazaar Cafe. It was a long drive to get her in Berkeley and then double back into the NW corner of the city. I missed a turn, to get on the highway, and felt dismayed, and said something dramatic along the lines of 'I'm going to kill myself'. Luckily, I didn't have to do that, because there was a perfectly clear frontage road that my map kindly redirected me to, appearing as if it had been created just for us and this exact purpose. Grinning, I told Ella, 'This is the W of the day, God's smiling on us.' 

Little did I know, he would positively beam on us all night long. 

We got great parking and were in our seats for the reading one minute before it was set to start (perfect timing makes my toes tingle). The readings were eccentric and made me laugh and think. We walked through the beautiful neighborhood to a parking lot overlooking China Beach. It was foggy and dusky. The ship lights were blurry and floating, seemingly into the fog soaked oblivion. I made a comment about realizing, in that moment, the importance of light houses.

view from the parking lot above china beach

We walked back to the car and talked about the fabric of our society ripping and slipping under our feet, as usual. As far as our friendship 2024 wrapped goes, that's our number one topic by far. So many rabbit holes to go down. We touched on the classic linking conundrums, like how to do online dating as someone who wants to date the old fashioned way, our thoughts on the UHC CEO slayer (cultural martyr, idol, sexy man), and the future that we're hurtling towards now that AI is getting it's sticky little fingers into everything. 

While scouting for a place to get dinner, Ella realized that one of her family's favorite restaurants was a mere 800 feet away. We walked through the misty rain to Sichuan Tasty Restaurant, and were ushered in to a table in the back room. I got the cucumber and dry beancurd which was served cold and soaked in salty oil (literally perfect no notes) and wonton soup (giant ladle provided but not necessarily necessary). 

drooling thinking of it now

ella's greenbeanz

After dinner, we drove to the Haight and got another (!!) perfectly located and free parking spot and walked less than a block when we saw a lighted store front beckoning not unlike a lighthouse through the dark. We went in and before we had even really ventured into the narrow shop (the Faight collective), I heard music and movement coming from a mysterious and beckoning stairwell through a  glowing doorway. It was too tempting to pass up. Down we went, and found ourselves in a large room that could serve as a music venue, with a stage, equipment, and in the back of the room, a bar. Heaven!!! 

While a show wasn't going on, there was a smattering of people who looked up at us inquisitively from their various tables and couches as we descended. The host came up to us grinning and explained that she puts together themed social gatherings of all sorts throughout the city, and the one we were so lucky to stumble upon was both snoopy AND Christmas themed. There was crafting materials on the tables, and we jumped in delightedly. We made cards for each other, and talked to another friendly face at our table and we learned she had recently moved to the neighborhood from Chicago and was doing security for open AI. I don't really know what that entails but alas. She talked about wanting to make more friends and it was very sweet. 

Within the big room was a photo taking area, complete with a prom picture-esque background, ring light, and phone stand. We made a video showing off the things we had made for one another, both covered in snoopy cutouts and stickers and glitter glue. 

cutie pookie <3

Upstairs we perused the wares and I got a star sticker comprised of camera lenses and a sticker that says 'break fake rules'. I'm going to give that one to ezzie and also try to follow that advice in my day to day life more. We sauntered back out into the night, crafts and stickers in hand, feeling the warm glint of love coming off of God's exposed teeth (read: he was still smiling on us). We figured out which train Ella would be taking home and calculated how manny more hang out minutes we had. 

Figuring there were plenty for a neighborhood stroll, we embarked on just that. We were on lower Haight at this point and walked east and south (as in down) the steep steep street, and eventually curved to the right. We cut up through an elaborate set of apartment complexes, connected by an intimidating and almost never ending staircase, that created the same visual effect in the deepening dark as the optical illusion we saw when driving over the Richmond/San Rafael bridge ascending into a pure wall of mist and fog as we approached the city, driving up up up into nothingness. 

As we plodded upwards, quads burning, Ella talked about her fear that if she pursued architecture in grad school, she might end up making plazas like the one we were approaching, surrounded by the fortress/labyrinth of apartment giants. Slatted benches and methodically spaced shrubbery in a sea of coarse compacted sand that looks like tan gravel (you know the kind), apparently the bottom of the barrel for landscape architecture assignments. Within it, two dogs were roaming and playing while their owner watched on, and I thought to myself that it seemed like a perfectly dignified kind of space to design (and that she could probably make a cooler version if she was assigned to it, but I held my tongue).

Onward still, into the surrounding neighborhood, and suddenly a familiar tune grew louder. It was a group of carolers across the street, sheet music in hand, loudly singing jingle bells, or something similar. I was feeling so full of the holiday spirit from the perfectly unfolding evening that when we looked at each other, we knew what had to be done. We ran across the road and asked if we could join the group, who had just stopped in front of the next house. 

The man I asked quickly said yes, and we joined them for a couple songs. As we continued on I told Ella about caroling with Evie's family, and how we'd sang for her the night before when she surprised the party by driving down from Tahoe for the evening. By now we were almost floating and were positively giddy reflecting on the good graces and angels guiding us tonight.

So you can imagine, dear reader, our emotional reaction when we passed by an adorable cafe venue, large windows coated in foggy condensation where the warm inviting interior met the cold dark night. We saw crowded tables of friends talking and laughing, as well as a small crowd watching the main attraction for the night, a jazz duo comprised of a standup bassist and a guitar player. The music drifted out to us on the street corner, mouths slightly agape at the preciousness of it all.

We had to leave for the train station soon, but couldn't help ourselves, and ducked inside as perfection and free fun seemed to be the theme of the night. It was just as cozy and adorable as it had seemed from outside, I asked a staff person if we could just sit and listen, and he said since they were closing soon, he didn't see why not. Duh! Why would we hear something we didn't want to? God's grin was still protecting us. 

We held hands over the table and were yet again swept up in the music, inspiration, jolly feeling of it all. I people watched, San Franciscans spending their Saturday evening in the neighborhood cafe enjoying the tunes and time together. All night I was seeing a side of the city previously unknown to me, a non tech or AI focused bunch (although maybe during the day it was a different story) who were coming together in the physical plane and enjoying tech free entertainment and activities- poetry, crafting, singing, listening. Being. And it made me so emotional because driving through the city, at least on the highways, it's an onslaught of AI related billboards, gibberish company names and soul sucking phrases like "Ramp is the future of finance" like wtf is Ramp? Why would I want my money movement dictated by chat GPT's weird cousin? Die! 

So to have that queasiness offset by a good, organic, stumbled upon adventure, restored my faith in humanity for the night. Ella and I listened to Silent Night (Pentatonix rendition) as I navigated the drizzly streets to the Bart Station we'd be parting ways at. Somewhere between the cucumber and snoopy collaging, my friend Anna texted me, asking if there was any chance I'd want to go to a rave in the city that night. Of course something like that would happen tonight. I hadn't seen Anna in months, and had just texted her earlier that day if she was back in town for the holidays. Delightfully, I responded 'I'm already up here and I'm so down!' 

I dropped Ella off and zipped back over to Haight Street. I met Anna at a bar called Toronado that was cash only with about a million beer options and played metal music the whole time. It felt a lot like Portland which was nice. Anna was there with her older brother Joe, and his two friends. I've heard a lot of lore about Joe over the years but never met him in person so that was really exciting. Anna and I got caught up and chatted about work stuff which was cool because she also wants to do non profit stuff. 

We had a drink and then made our way over to Underground, a bar/club a block away. It was still early, and for a while we were the only five on the dance floor. I found out that the first dj was a paly grad so that was really fun, and we smoked a joint outside which was so delicious. I was wearing a dress I hadn't laid my eyes on since my freshman year of college and my pink wrecked+destroyed tee, all over big jeans and uggs so it was really the perfect evening to night outfit. I love clubbing in my uggs. 

Flash forward a week or so and I've been having 'orrible heart burn since this night (unusual for me: most of my digestion issues are usually gas related lol) and I have figured out it was because my freaking dress was too tight around my diaphragm and it weakened the valve at the bottom of my esophagus LMAOO?? Anyways... worth it.

I put up the star sticker I had bought at the Faight collective on the dj booth, and we danced and chatted until the dance floor filled up. I texted my parents that yes I was still having a great time with Ella (dirty liar, I know, old habits die hard), and me and Anna headed out into the night. Making our way back to Palo Alto, I reveled in the evening, and listened to even more Pentatonix, a good omen for the new year I think. The smile god smiled that night.... incredible.

xoxoxoxoxo, K

I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE!

 [4/24/24]

I am in class it's my second to last class session ever of my life. That's so dope for me personally. Fiona and I had the genius idea of getting dr*nk all day. We took shots in the swim locker room and then me and Jane had our best workout ever. They were playing the most lit music and I was cross faded doing squats and planks and such thinking to myself 'THIS is portland's hottest nightclub right now'

We also have a running list going of what activities we should do during the first week of summer after we graduate (in literally one week and 3 days wtf??) and here are some of the highlights from that list: go to the enchanted forest on shrooms, kate teaches sophia and fiona how to swim, go to coffin club (fiona's goth debut), kate shaves legs, go on a hike to a waterfall, make popsicles out of buzzballz, and practice/master the art of whistling (namely the infamous 'wolf whistle'). 

I am beyond excited.

I always get really really pumped and delusional about summer, and I have since I was like 10 years old and I don't think I'll ever stop. I love getting my hopes up and then let down. It's the season of my birthday, I make pintrest boards of what energy I want to experience and it's all so romanticized and grounded in nothing but delusion. Expectations do nothing but get me excited and latched onto an ideal that is impossible to obtain. 

Speaking of cyclical ups and downs, I recently coined a term for a lifestyle pattern/choice of mine. I present to you... drum roll... the kate milne dash and crash. Basically I push myself to insane limits and do super long packed days until I literally cannot take it any more and then I crash, harrrrd. As I'm writing this now (5/6/24), I just graduated. It happened guys!! A ton of my family members (15+) came to portland to see me graduate and we had a little family reunion of sorts. It was so fun, and so overwhelming, a whirlwind weekend that left me feeling like a shell of a person all day yesterday. We ate tamale boy and cubo de cuba, drove around in the rain and had a fun time at my house. It was so nice because Oli stayed with me in my room while the rest of my fam stayed at the blue bird inn, a boarding house type place that is super quaint. So I got extra time with her which was so special. I told her I hope we get to live in the same place again, I hate only seeing her a couple times a year.  I got my electronic diploma sent to my email, and my name looks so cool in the fancy cursive used on things like that.

My birthday is in July, and it's part of why I get such high hopes for summers. This year I'm planning on doing a jersey shore themed party, I want to party like it's 2008 and have a horrible fake tan to match. Last year me and eric combined our celebrations, and our ages, and had a conjoined 43rd birthday party. This year we would be turning 45 how sweet :,) 

I'm in a coffee shop and listening to the baristas chat about one of their high school girlfriends who had a horse named coco. Maybe it was cocoa. Makes me want to watch strawberry shortcake again, because my dad used to tell me and oli a story about a horse race on the beach where strawberry races against her friends, and one of the horses names was cocoa, as decided by my dad. I really want to have access to horses this summer. I think I'll try to find a place to volunteer/work at as a barnhand, and see if I can sneak some riding time out of it. That worked really well for me when I volunteered once a week at the hippotherapy place in gresham a couple years ago, I just gotta find someplace to do it at. I searched a while ago and found a stable on Sauvie island that looked super dope, maybe I'll call them. 

Pony babie circa 2021

This is the barn kitty I think his name was baxter..
barns always have cats it's another perk

[didn't write for sooo long]

    

    It's now 5/27/24, I love taking over a month to write one post smh. I've started my internship at Rose Haven, and have had a good time so far because they're having me continue my thesis research, and post about it blog style on their website!! Getting paid to write a blog post about something I'm passionate about... dream come true...

    

    I'm in Cali for a week, I drove down with Fiona and Kaylee and have been loving the perfect blue sky. It's like the best thing about california I don't know how they get it so blue but it does something to me.

Mt. Shasta (i think)

Yesterday me and Evie got philz (thank GOD I was dying without it in portland) and then drove to santa cruz. We hung out on the beach and frolicked in the waves in our wetsuits like otters. The water was so cold but so refreshing and genuinely snapped me out of the anxiety spiral I have been in for the last like two weeks. Figuring out housing and also packing up my room, starting my Rose Haven position, hosting a party and immediately driving home was sending me up the wall a little bit. But when I got in the water, manually breathing because it was so cold it was like my brain had been taken out of my head, rinsed off, and put back in. It felt so good. Being in the sun and the wind and the water was so rejuvenating. Sometimes I go a long time without swimming and then when I swim again I'm like omfg this is what I've been missing this is why everything feels wrong. I need the water, maybe it's because I'm a cancer or because I've spent so many hours in the pool but whenever I am submerged I am reminded that it's my favorite state of being. 

    We had the ultimate norcal day because that same night we drove up to Evie's place in tahoe with nick and luna. Being in the pacific and the mountains in the same day is so special and I don't think I've done that before. It's memorial day, and the last day of the spring ski season at Palisades, so while they hit the slopes me and luna hung out at a cafe at the base. We got lunch there too and then when we were back at the house I tried to ride a bike I found in the garage with luna on a leash attached to me, and right before we started zooming down a giant hill I realized that the brakes were disconnected. It was so scary I immediately put my feet down and somehow managed to not make us wipe out but that could've gone sooo different (extremely bad!!!!). We just went for a walk down to the lake after that and it was really nice. It's super warm out today, but there's still a ton of snow around, which I haven't really seen before. Tons of snow melt runoff everywhere, and luna would tromp through it in such a cute way.

    

Getting ready in the parking lot..

Gorgeous grin

Snowy lake!

I had a challengers themed house party the night before I left portland, I've seen the movie three times in theaters because I'm addicted to zendaya and also because the soundtrack was so good and I just love everything about it. Having a party theme where people had to dress sporty was really fun and funny and super different than the themes I usually do. A small ish amount of people came, it's hard in the summer to get people to show up to things because everyone's always all over the place doing different shit. I love hosting stuff and don't know if I'll be able to have parties at my new place, I kind of highly doubt it.

I'll have to start scouting for locations for my jersey night... muahhahaha. I wore a braid extension thing to be like Tashi in the movie.. the pics were so cute it made me want to switch sports!!

Celebratory knee slide in my cleared out room (I was packing right up until when people started arriving)

Supportive high five for moving all my shit out

We opposite matched on accident.. so good

serving..

Me and charcoal sparkle <3

[9/14/24]

Wow ok so this post has taken literally the entire summer to write... from the end of April until mid September. Since our last update, I've been working at my internship at the County, twiddling my thumbs and doing some cool stuff but mostly getting paid to look at the wall. I went on a big roadtrip with evie to boston, and am working on a youtube video of that experience. I saw both sets of grandparents, got really settled into my new place with teeks, and am now applying to jobs and whatnot because my internships are ending. I got a speeding ticket and a couple of different haircuts. I'll be reading my "seventeen" piece at rosalind's zine launch party later this month, which should be really fun. I carry a little notebook with me everywhere now, and it has been really productive for poetry, journaling, and compulsive list making. I mostly stay off instagram and still don't have a therapist. Life is alright.

Love you thank you for reading xxxxx Kate

May to June

 This is the second year in a row where May to June has been the most jarring, flip flop, 180 switch ever. Last year I was coming back from Australia, had no car, no job, no girlfriend. Then by June, all of those were opposite. This May, I graduated from LC, moved out of my old place, started a job, visited home, and felt generally very uprooted and frazzled. Now it's mid June, and I've started a second job, moved into my new apartment with Teeks and Laszlo, got a hair cut and my septum redone (and high nostril studs removed), and feel better, I think.

It's exciting to explore a new part of town, and settle into new routines. I got something off my chest that had been stressing me out for months, and deleted instagram again. I went for a run one day after work at the county building and wrote some unhinged single lines of discordant poetry in my notes app. It was so nice outside, and I sat and watched people play softball and kick ball in the park. I got really in my feelings, which was needed. I need to find new modes of catharsis, now that I'm an adult in the world (scream).

Here are some things I've seen recently:

👾 The largest protected freshwater wetland within an American city... it was the Smith and Bybee wetlands, which I stumbled upon when I took a wrong turn off the highway coming home from my piercing appointment in Vancouver. I got my board out and skated for a while, I want to come back with a canoe or something like that.

me and my trick board (i have 3 now >.< determined to get good this summer)

👾 A little bunny lost on a biking overpass over the highway... I was riding a nike bike home from Roadside (where I had a furious public journaling sesh and a good sob while texting with ella and then a recovery drink with Qwynci) when I crossed over the I5 on a bridge for walking and biking when I looked down and saw what I thought was a rat running alongside next to me. I almost swerved and fell out of fright but then I realized it was a small brown cottontail, who was lost and looking over the edge trying to find it's way home to the burrow (probably? or the bunny clerb) and I screeched to a halt and watched worridly as it eventually found it's way back to solid land. Thank god. I don't think my psyche could've survived watching a young bun accidentally jump off an overpass omfg.

👾 A little girl with a bright pink cast on her leg... she looked like the same age as I was when I broke my left leg (first grade) and got a bright pink cast and a wheelchair. That's how I learned my lefts and rights, I just look down and remember which one of my legs had a cast on it. Real shit.

👾 A gorgeous classic car and a Tesla truck in the same day... I don't know what kind of old car it was but it was red and white and a convertible and sexyyyy. Cars used to look so nice and sturdy. I saw a tesla truck later that day and I think it was the first one I had ever seen in Portland. It was sooo ugly but also looked sturdy I guess. How do people see out of those??

👾 Water reflecting off of rocks as I waited for the shrooms to kick in... they never did. I kept staring at different things around me while we were at High Rocks to swim and waiting for them to look weird or different. I stared at a huge American flag in the distance, and it looked like it was blowing and rippling in slow motion. But I think that was normal flag behavior. I stared at water reflecting off the rocks for so long, and it was beautiful. But the shrooms never hit.

gorgeous reflections were going on in this region here

I hope the rest of June is good and fun and I keep feeling more settled and real. I have a bunch of events happening around town saved in my calendar, and I am excited to go and meet new people hopefully. 

xoxoxoxoox Kate

Spring Break: Writing Retreat

 "Having a crush and vaping are the most fun things a human could do probably." - Claire Williams

Helllloooo readerzzz IT'S APRIL BITCH!

I'm back in Portland(ia) after my favorite holiday ever: spring break. Peak escapism from school, I get to go home and walk dogs (Luna, Spencer, Roxy, no particular order), sleep in my childhood bedroom and drink coffees. I wrote a lot of my thesis which was really good because I was having really bad writers block. Block is broken!!! I turned in my first draft this week it was a HEAEVY PACKET of me saying the same thing over and over. Now for the editing... alas let's talk about something fun. 

Luna!!! my princess

Dog walking fit yes yes

Charli xcx night at the Holocene was so much fun and it was the night before I left for home. My plan was to just stay up after partying and then get to the airport around 4 am for my 6 am flight... in fact I fell asleep immediately when I got home at 3 and woke up at 5:10... against all odds I made it to the airport at like 5:46 and made it to my gate at 5:53 and as I sprinted up to the gate they were like 'Katharine?' and I was like *out of breath and sweating* 'yes' and then she was like 'I'm going to rebook you to the next flight' and I was like 'ugh' but then I just chilled in the airport and had computer time. Fun fact about me is that the airport is one of my favorite places to hang out I just sit and scroll and walk around and wash my hands it's my perfect eneclosure. Sometimes at SFO when I was a kid there'd be some pigeons that would find their way into the airport and I'd watch on in horror as they used the waterfountain like a bird bath and be looking around like 'is anyone else seeing this shit??'

For the purpose of this exact blog post I actually looked up a bunch of variations of 'pigeons in sfo early 2000s how' because I swear on my life that I saw multiple birds multiple times just chilling inside the airport terminal but there's like nothing about it online and now I think I was either have super insane hallucinations or false memories or I created my own mandela effect situation. If you've ever seen birds that weren't supposed to be there in the aiport PLEASE comment to let me know I'm not alone.

So back to the topic of spring break, Spring Breakers is one of my favorite movies of all time. It was in my top 3 for years, which included, no particular order: Spring Breakers, American Honey, and Stick It. I mean obviously I was onllllly interested in the plots of these movies (read: young lesbian perv). I like to rewatch those 3 movies at least once a year, to keep me on track. In touch with my roots and whatnot. Part of my continual effort to stay true to meself. Now, as an older lesbian perv, my top 3 is Bottoms, Love Lies Bleeding, and American Honey (she persisted!!)

I just watched a youtube interview with Sasha Lane about American Honey and while I already knew that she was cast because the director saw her out and about and thought 'I need her' (which would also be my thought process verbatim), apparently she was on a beach during spring break when she was spotted. mind bllown life is so beautiful and interconnected SCREAM

You can watch for yourself if you'd like >.< <-- here 

When I go home for breaks I like to do my usual at home activities. I drove to the beach on a whim after dropping my mom off at the airport (same one that once had those maybe real maybe fake pigeon spottings), my favorite beach in Half Moon Bay. The one I can drive to with my eyes closed, no map, the one that's by my favorite sandwhich shop.

I got my sandwhich (turkey, sprouts, swiss, everything on it) and a bottle of coke drove it over and sat on a bench and squinted into the sun and the wind and listened to the waves and scowled at the ice plants (invasive species in Cali if you didn't know)

Blufftop coastal park

Soooo pretty I can't

I walked along the shore on the hard part of the sand and made up songs and sang them to myself and watched those little bird with legs as fast as lightning run up and down by the surf, I wanted to film an ASMR video on the beach but after filming one clip my phone died and I was FORCED against my WILL to live in the moment. UGHHHHH (just kidding it was fine and nice)

I left feeling windswept and rejuvenated and full of life and I drove back home along skyline, the winding road at the very top of the range of hills separating the bay from the sea. To my right I could see the pacific ocean in all her glory and to my left was the whole bay area spread out beneath me. I blasted Chappell Roan's album 'The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess' over and over and it was amazing.

That album is so important to me right now, it's upbeat and so gay and is my theme music at this time. She is my Olivia Rodrigo, don't know how else to describe it. 

Anyways, I hope you are having such a good spring, I hope you're awakening in whatever way makes sense, and getting soo so excited for summer!!!1!

Kiss kiss

Kate

Four Loko Summer

Here's the thing. I'm in the mood to reinvent myself. The season is changing, it was sunny for three days straight for the first time in like 5 months and the birds are chirping. My closet is finally back in working condition, after the Great Pipe Bursting back in January, I airbnb and couch hopped for like 5 weeks and then moved back into my room with an unfinished closet. All my clothes and dressers were stuffed into my room and it was ... garbage pit like, to say the least. So now my room is spacious and orderly again, and I realized my mysterious wet patch of carpet (don't ask) had been growing in my absence and so I jerry rigged a fan to my bookshelf and turned the dehumidifier on high and whaddayaknow, that cleared up in a couple days. Also, I am single now. It's a long story and sad but beautiful story and it's all peace and love and grief. Lol. I shant overshare cuz it makes me so upset and I'm leaning into letting myself feel sad... but it's awkward cuz letting yourself feel sad makes you FEEL SAD and I want to FEEL GOOD please god let me feel good. Please. 

But I am determined to actually feel things (good things ideally but beggars can't be choosers) for the rest of this semester, my last semester of college!!!! and be present and meditate and go for walks outside and talk to myself and wash my face every day. Basicallllly I have to get to know myself again. The last couple months I would book my days so busy I didn't have time to do anything important (like make meals or take a piss) and then whenever I had an uncomfortable thought or feeling I would just... scroll it away (thanks a lot, Instagram). I don't have insta right now and I feel like my brain is waking up again. It's been good. I am proud of myself.

Looking forward, however, I am getting really excited to be a loose cannon this summer. I was looking through some stories I had saved from two summers ago and found these striking flicks. 

In thee hot tub, we jumped the fence

Story draft, after a couple of four loko beverages, looking visibly ill and mischievious

Obviously, dear reader, you know that lime rita buzzballz is my potent liquor of choice, and I feel like those ballz are like the slightly more annoying sibling to the older, more suave but also extremely chaotic older brother, aka Four Loko. Their mom would probably be a Long Island mixed drink, and the dad would be like Jägermeister or something idk. 

While I think Four Loko is objectively nasty and the production and sale of it should be halted worldwide,
it is the spirit of the Four Loko that I hope to embody. Crazy, free, sweet, dangerous, etc.

Drinking Four Loko conveys a sense of lack of care for the self, in a fun and flirty way. Well now that I've written that out on the page I'm wondering hmmm is this a good idea because I really do want to care for myself. I actually am requiring myself to care for myself. But okay yes so now I am back on track; this spring is about caring for myself and working on myself, etc, but come summmmmerrrr anything is possible really. 

In the spirit of things that are kind of good and kind of bad for me, I got a Juul. You may be thinking, 'that's literally just bad for you' and while you're right in a scientific seense, I'M right in a symbolic sense, and I'm also right because it's my blog, dammit!

These days, I smoke my little juul, I scratch my scalp until it bleeds (I'm trying to stop but), I go for walks and I give myself challenges to complete. Because I'm not on instagram I want to feel a part of something still so I have invented self improvement challenges or trends I forecast for myself for the week. Last week I successfully completed the #threemealsadaychallenge and this week I'm continuing that good work and also introducing the #touchgrasseverydaychallenge which was easy when it was sunny out but the clouds are back so I have to work a little harder to self motivate to spend time outside. 

Tonight I am going to charli night at the holocene, they're going to play her music and music like hers. I am so so excited, I'm going with close baes and I'm wearing a fit completely curated from the clothing swap PSN did on campus last friday. It's gonna be my crazy tights, a SILVER puffer, and silver skirt. When I saw the puffer in all it's metallic glory, I screamed. I had literally brought my GOLDEN puffer with me to school that day so I wore them both at once and felt like Young Lean. I think this fit would be perfect for a base for my furlandia (furries in space) outfit, if I get some galaxy tights to go with it.

I NEED THESE SO BAD!!!!

And then I'll make a headpiece, probably gonna be a blue dragon to match my D&D character. Me and Edie want to make fur suits (or at least components of them for a partial suit) by hand and we're gonna document the process. It's gonna be awesome.

To conclude, I want it to be summer, I want to sip a four loko through a straw in my fursuit, and I NEED TO REMEMBER WHO TF I AMMMM!!!!!

I love you so much forever.

Kate

Adventure day

 Started:12/5/2023

Last week, I had the kind of day that I can only describe as a random adventure day. They don't happen often, and can't be planned or prepared for, but when they start to unfold, I must give in and let the rhythm of mystery and chaos take me, or else suffer a day of confusion and let-down.

I've learned over time that the more adventure and spontaneity is built into my day, the more memorable it will be and time seems to slow down more. When I get into too much of a routine, my days and weeks begin to blur and I can't remember what I've done or when things happened. If I do random shit (being random is def in for 2024) like follow a hunch or take a wrong exit on purpose, I always discover something new I never would've seen otherwise. Taking public transportation always seems to prime me for adventure, when I don't have a pressing timeline for what I need to do, getting on the bus or the train with a low-commitment destination in mind and seeing what happens is my favorite pastime.

This particular day was going to be a busy one that I needed to drive for, I could tell from my calendar line up when I looked at it that morning, my eyes adjusting to the bright white of my phone screen in my uber-dark basement/dungeon/bedroom/cave. First on the agenda was an 8am swim practice, this was Friday, and I had our mid-season meet that weekend. So this was my final chance to get in the water and warm up a bit before the competition the next two days. Our coach, Caitlin, prepared us really well for this meet, working us extremely hard in the pool and the gym for months, leading up to a week of easier practices to let our muscles recover so we could swim fast at George Fox. (NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: I did really good at this meet meow I was tapered so perfectly for it ugh)

The practice went well, I felt light and strong in the water, like a fancy race boat, all carbon fiber and details that have been gone over 1,000 times. I left the pool feeling refreshed as I always do, like my brain has been taken out and rinsed off and put back in my head. 

I went to class, it wasn't memorable. This was my outfit. I don't remember what was in that bag. 

Then, I took myself downtown to go to p:ear, a really cool community space for kids experiencing homelessness to do art and music, eat lunch and get warm. In one of my classes at LC, we did semester long projects in collaboration with p:ear, one group did an art project, one did a survey collecting data on what health services are accessed or needed most by the youth, and my group compiled a bunch of health and wellness resources in the greater Portland area and designed easy to read fliers that contained lots of information about how to access them. The adults who work there seem really solid and I want to get to know how they found themselves working here, and ask about what their professional paths looked like because I've recently been having epiphanies about how to intersect all my interests into one profession. Stay tuned, I'm still figuring it out (I will always be figuring it out). (ANOTHER NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: I am working with P:ear for my thesis project and for networking purposes and it's super dope).

As I was parking I mentally prepared myself to feel out of place, and nervous, and alone when I went inside. I thought about it, accepted that I would be going with the flow, and waltzed in. If put in this position, my younger self would have freaked out, going into this space without anyone by my side, not knowing what to expect and not knowing if they were even expecting me. But it worked out! I talked to Kanani, the woman who's leading the art project and worked on it with her for a while.

I did a puzzle with a little boy named Dasani (?), and his dad tricked me by pointing to the ground and helpfully letting me know I 'dropped my pocket.' Of course I looked down. And then proceeded to hear him try that line on almost everyone else in the room. It felt almost like an inauguration, our gullibility somehow uniting us. 

After I loitered there for a while, I made my way over to city hall because I thought Edie might be there. I was right! We cleaned up the wreck that the person who fucked with their setup the night before had left, and chatted. There was a Native protest happening at city hall too, I listened to a speaker read excerpts from a website called Challenging White Supremacy, I talked to them afterward and got the link so I could look at it more later. Jeff said thank you when I was leaving, I told Edie the story of when I ran into him by the pinball machines at My Father's Place, it was funny as hell and he seemed so shocked.

I called my dad on the drive to the Cupcake Girls tabling event, and kept him on the phone as I paid for parking (4.80$) and walked around the block, and, still on the phone, realized I was in fact at the right numerical address, on SE 13th street when I needed to be on NE 13th street. Such a rookie Portlander move, a bit embarrassing that my dad was my auditory witness to the whole thing.

My Parking Kitty app conveniently lacks a "refund" button, but does let you have two tabs open at a time, so when I got to the right location, running late at this point, I paid for two more hours of parking (another  4.80$) and found my way inside. I don't know what I was expecting, but it was not a sugaring and waxing studio. Simply (and cryptically) called The Portland Girl, it was a small studio used for facials and eyebrow treatments having a holiday party with snacks and arts vendors and Mariah Carey on the speakers. There was a table with information about another local nonprofit spread out, and my boss that I was supposed to be meeting there was nowhere to be found.

I made a chai latte with the keurig in the esthetician break room, and read my Sherman Alexie book in the front lobby, and waited. I sat in a green velvet shell-shaped chair, and read prose that transported me and sipped my scalding beverage. One of my favorite lines went like this hem hem: "Late one day James and I watch the sun fly across the sky like a basketball on fire and it falls down completely and lands in Benjamin Lake with a splash and shakes the ground and even wakes up Lester Falls-Apart who thought it was his father come back to slap his face again. Summer coming like a car from down the highway." Just gorgeous words strung together in the perfect way.

After a while, I realized I should check my email and see what was going on and as it turns out, my boss had emailed me like 6 hours earlier telling me they wouldn't be at the event but was sending Alyssa instead and that they thought I could handle tabling alone anyway and I was like ok chill and kept up my reading and sipping, feeling silly in my baggy jeans and skating tee in the hyper-feminine salon but leaning into the adventure of the day and just rolling with it. 

Then, the time Alyssa was supposed to show face came and went and I was like hmmm perhaps this chaotic and fun day is less chill now, but I emailed her and got no response and even tried calling her google number in her email signature and got her cheeky voicemail. I read another chapter of beloved Alexie, talked to a couple of people about The Cupcake Girls, and then overheard the manager letting a guest know that because it was their holiday party, they were offering free beauty treatments. My little ears perked up and I scurried over. The day was going so random, a free eyebrow sugaring session was perfectly insane and unexpected, such a curveball out of left field that it was full circle and felt normal. 

As I lay on the bed with hot sugar goo on my eye region, I chatted up my brow sculptors and learned that one was a long-time resident of Chicago before making the move to Portland and the other was a Portland native (or essentially one) and had done a lot of event and fundraising stuff in the past! Ha! How perfect. They had also started a Portland pirate larping group? Or something like that. A very Portlandia conversation, I felt like I was networking and also like I was meeting an elusive Portland queer elder who hadn't moved away when things started to get expensive and more ~normal~ #makeportlandweirdagain. 

When one of my brows had been snatched and my waxer was starting on my Mr. Right, I heard Alyssa's voice in the main area of the salon getting acquainted with everyone. Too bad I was super busy doing my unpaid work and getting my brows done! I eventually made my way to the front where I was supposed to be stationed and got to chatting with the people at the event, spreading the good word about the Cupcake Girls. I also got to know someone who was tabling for Rose Haven, another org in the city. They were super sweet and cool, and many months later when my dad was visiting me in January, I saw them walking down the street. I didn't say anything, but I felt super Portlandish and established then. 

When the event was drawing to a close, I texted Qwynci because she lives near there, and she came by. We walked to a grocery store nearby because she needed toilet paper (or maybe paper towels... I don't know if it matters for story telling purposes..?) and we chatted and goofed around. Then, I drove her to her house, and we talked shit for a while in the car (one of my favorite locations to talk, ever).

I then realized I was running late to a swim event, so I peeled out of there with the sound of burning rubber (jk I peeled off responsibly and safely) and then I was on my way to my next event of the day. 

All in all, I have found that these kinds of days mentally stimulate me, but sometimes it's really just too much. When I get home after having a lot of days like this in a row, I lay on my bed, unmoving except for a single finger scrolling Instagram. I'm like a zombie or a husk. I need to learn how to balance, and how to not get to the point of exhaustion. And wear my gold puffer and look good doing it. Hah! So much to do! So little time!!!

Finished: 3/5/2024

I take so long to write these but I'm glad they get written. Sometimes it takes a while to find the statue in the marble and get it out. 

XO Kate

Auditory Tastebuds

2/25/24 Law Library Overlooking The Forest

 I remember a time when listening to Sleigh Bells was too much for me. Their sound was too harsh, the vocals too fried, I didn't find it physically comfortable to listen to. It was overstimulating and I wanted to like it on some level but I couldn't do it. On a whim, I qued up their 2010 album Treats while doing homework and I am blown away by how good it sounds, I can't stay still in this armchair while I type. The sound is no longer too much, it is just enough and I love it. My body is leaning into the chaos and the frayed audio, I want to be submerged in the sound. I recently made a joking comment to a friend in my car as we listened to my current playlist "Ello" that my current music taste prefers songs that sound like they've been microwaved.

I like thinking about a musical pallet changing over time, like how little kids grow out of certain tastes and how wine isn't supposed to taste good until you're older, how adults can't stomach too much sugar and kids can't get enough. My musical appetite has shifted so much, seemingly guided by my feelings at the time, by my musical stomach (would that be my brain .. idk) 

Music often gives me physical reactions. It's not uncommon to be driving with my songs on shuffle and all of a sudden I have full-body goosebumps, or I get a lump in my throat, flooded with emotion and feeling moved by the lyrics or the sound or the thing as a whole. Some songs just make me so aware of being alive. It's good and bad, it helps me see the beauty when I haven't been, or reminds me that others have felt as shitty as I feel. 

Lean into Life by Petey literally always almost moves me to tears. Old Bone by Wet, the Jim-E Stack remix makes me feel like a woman in a cosplay way and a real way, and connected to women all around me. 400 Lux by Lorde, I don't even know what to say about this one, except if you know you know. thicc by Shygirl makes me feel like this little guy 

 

Speaking of thicc, the EP it's on, Club Shy, is so so good and everyone needs to listen to it. I really hope it gets played at the Charli XCX night I'm going to in late March, the club it's at said they'll be throwing, and I quote, "A dance party exploring the music of Charli XCX, her collaborators, producers, and related artists, as well as the hyperpop, PC Music and experimental avant garde dance / pop realms. (Think artists like Shygirl, A.G. Cook, Caroline Poloachek, Kero Kero Bonito, Lady Gaga, Sophie, Doss, Christine and the Queens, Rina Sawayama, Arca, Danny L Harle, Planet 1999, CouCou Chloe, Carly Rae Jepsen, Kelela, FKA Twigs and more!) Come to this party and we’ll love u forever (don’t make us beg for u)"

LIKE COME ONNN this shit was made for me. Also whichever gay intern suggested this event is a hero deserving of a Purple Heart. Out of that whole list of singers, the only ones I don't know of or listen to are Kero Kero Bonito, Doss, and Danny L Harle so I'll be studying up ahead of time. I am literallllly so excited. I threw a Charli x Troye party in my garage in December and it was such fun, I can't wait to experience that kind of energy in an established location. 

I am going to another concert soon, I'll be seeing Donna Missal (eeeeeek!!!) on March 13, and I'm going by myself, and I'm really excited. The other concert I've been to by myself was Grace Ives, last year. I was scared to go alone because it was 21+ and I was using my fake at the time, I hadn't bought a ticket when they went on sale because of that, but day of I saw that there were still tickets available, and that the price had dropped a ton and it felt like a sign. So I peeled myself out of bed and drove myself to the Doug Fir Lounge and walked in the second she started playing. It was so good. I could do whatever I wanted, I danced with reckless abandon and it was so amazing. 

I hope the Donna Missal show will be similar, I became obsessed with her back in high school, I saw her open for King Princess (hah!!) in San Francisco with my friend Eden and she was so captivating and way better than KP lmfao. And then we went again a while later when she was back in the city and was upset because her show was 21+ so she put on a special show for her 21- fans it was in a recording studio that was special to her and we sat on the floor and she sang to us it was honestly the gayest I've ever felt it was like me and Eden and 10 other girls it was so insane and one of the cooler experiences I've had. I'll be shaving my whole body for that concert... just in case...

Comment an artist that makes you didn't used to like, but grew on you, and I'll listen to them and tell you what I think >.<

xo 

KATE

Phoenix airport induced nostalgia

 11/23/23 

It's thanksgiving, it's a Thursday. I'm in the bedroom in my grandma's house that she's lived in since 1969 and that I've slept in countless times since 2002. My twin bed (it's not mine but I like to pretend) used to feel spacious and now my feet hang over the edge (I don't mind).

My grandma's house

As I stepped off the plane, I was absorbed into the micro climate that is the Phoenix airport. Stale and sweet, soft and sweaty, an infinity loop of air conditioner circulated breeze. It was so familiar, like slipping into a shirt you once adored and somehow it still fits.

I walked brainlessly, knees popping and muscles crackling, not looking at signs but letting myself fall into the current composed of other travelers, their bags, their children, their dogs in those carry on cages. My feet, now homing pigeons, directions embedded in their dna, guiding me down never ending halls, so straight and long and lined by rows of rectangular windows tinted to ward off the desert sun. The walkways mimic the highways in Arizona, built noble, wide and never ending, their walls converge in the impossible distance and disappear into pin pricks, a trick of the eye I learned in a drawing art class once, armed with a pencil and a ruler and empowered to create an airport terminal or never ending road. 

One robotic step in front of the next, looking out at the red brown mountains past the taxiing planes, all sharp edges and crevices, pushing up and out against flat, wide, beautiful blue dry sky. Wispy white clouds stretched across the two dimensional blue expanse like sheeps wool passed through the detangling brush enough times to start making sense of the knots but not enough that the fibers have let go of one another completely. 

Beloved orange tree, partially withered from
record breaking heat last summer 

Though I haven't been here in years, my memories were flooding back and collaging, overlaying atop one another and pulling me from the past to the present and back again. When I was on the train to the airport in Portland, I let my eyes fall into a hundred yard stare, glazing over, my vision sliding across the trees, houses, cars that we passed. If I pulled my focus back, I could look at my own reflection in the window. Relaxing again, eyes on the passing scene. Back and forth I went, using my eyes and neighboring facial muscles like the zoom and focus settings of a camera, weaving my two visions together. 

Walking onwards still, I pass by the benches my club swim team once sat on together, in matching outfits and exhausted from a weekend of competing, bags and backs pushed to the wall so we would take up as little space as possible at the outshoot of the TSA line. I wonder where my former teammates are now, I remember some of their names and next to nothing about where they ended up going after graduating from high school. My eyes and memories unfocus again as I trod, now I'm 5 years old and looking around at everyone taking their shoes off and computers out of their bags, marveling aloud at how cool it is that we all went for the same length of vacation, and how we're all going home on the same day too. The kind of little kid statement that makes my mom look down quizzically, not sure how to answer because of how ungrounded from reality my perception of reality actually is. I focus my eyes again, I know now that everyone here around me is coming and going to unique places, but I still think we are connected, are we are not bound together by any invisible strings? The idea is too much to bear.

My throat aches, my memories threaten to make my eyes spill over. I'm weaving through people standing and waiting for their traveler to come around the corner, to be reunited with them. Their blank eyes glide over me, searching for someone else, no one is here for me today. My grandma once waited for us here, standing still with hands clasped and her usual soft smile, a balloon for me and my sister in tow. We would rush to her, tumble into her arms. "Hello my dears" she would say, giving us our balloon strings, leading us to her car in the parking structure that's shaped like a giant spiral. Counting circles on our way down, we'd drive out into the bright hot light of the Arizona sun, dusty red rocks and hills stretching around us, welcoming us back to the land of mauve and beige and cactus.

This time, I force my eyes back to the present, and head to the pick up area, an adult all alone. I wait for half an hour, watching in on little glimpses of people's lives. Reunion smiles, hugs, "How was the flight?"s and "Good to see you!"s. A car pulls up, it's my Uncle Rob and my Grandma Jo. I load my things in and we're off, out into that sun. There's something about the roads here that feel so familiar and right. Wide, proud, unhurried and straight, they guide us through the desert in a sensical way. The drivers are red hot and impatient, they don't take time to savor or appreciate the pavement they roar across like I do from my backseat vantage point. Rushing and weaving like a sun devil himself is biting at their tires, I let my eyes gloss over and watch the brick patterns in the highway walls change. 

One exit ramp off one of the many sprawling interstates by my grandma's house looks like it goes straight up into the sky. It's like driving off the upturned edge at the bottom of a giant hillside slip and slide, sloping and dramatic, pulling driver and machine up into that flat blue expanse that wraps over the entirety of the world here. Eyes straining through the windshield, it's like looking up at the sky in the Truman show, or like being inside a desert themed snow globe that looks as though it has edges that make contact with the red dirt somewhere, always a bit out of sight, like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. At the last minute, the heaven bound offramp veers left and you let out the breath you didn't realize you were holding, back to reality and merging and no longer wondering if your car will become airborne.

Me and Uncle Rob took that off ramp on the way to my cousin's house on Saturday. We talked about music we like and I told him too much about my relationship. When we got there he dropped me off and then I watched Home Alone and a Christmas episode of Jessie and a Christmas episode of Glee and then a regular episode of Glee. My cousins had never seen Glee, I told them it was inappropriate for kids but they should be fine, to show them that I don't think of them a little kids (I secretly still do, but won't let them know that).

Sarah and her boyfriend Ranger picked me up later, with plans of digging in the dirt by the train tracks (actually, really, awesome right?). He drove like he was playing GTA, the lines didn't mean much to him evidently. I did deep breathing and reminded myself to stay on his good side because he had the weed, and I intended to smoke it. Ranger, and the rest of the men in Arizona, seem to lose their sense of self preservation once behind the wheel, the state has a collective habit of running red lights, and not wearing a helmet on their motorcycles. My desire to stay alive, however, is fully intact and was screaming at me, I was holding on to that little panic handle moms hold on to when their kid learns to drive in a flagrant show of fear of bodily harm. 

Some of my rock stacks

Anyway, finally, we arrived to the tracks in one piece and Sarah took a shallow black plastic soup ladle (you know the kind) out of her pocket to begin digging. It was for an art project, she found semi soft dirt after testing various areas and after I had given her an unhelpful tip to "Look for wet dirt," to which she replied, "There's no wet soil here anywhere, Kate," to which I replied "Oh, right," (I should've known). 

She drew large humanoid figures with waving arms and legs, outstretched limbs in motion like angels taking off or gently settling down again. I made rock stacks typically created by hikers who are lost and set up her phone in different prime time lapse angles (angel angles angel angles). Ranger did a spray paint thing on a wall nearby. He used gold, and light blue I think. It was dark, it could've been dark blue, I was none the wiser.

Writing this now, back in the infamous and secularly biblical Phoenix airport, I can still smell that fresh golden paint. Which is a great segue to the GIANT GOLD PUFFER JACKET I got at Buffalo exchange on Friday, I talked Sarah and Megan through my tried and true practice of manifesting exactly what you're in search of before even setting foot inside any kind of thrifting establishment. My speech went something like: "It is a cornucopia of opportunity in there and anyone scrounging for something good will quickly get lost or misled if they don't have a clear plan and vision of their ideal loot in mind." They kind of nodded politely and that was good enough for me.

My GOLD PUFFER JACKET

On this particular venture into the land o thrift, I was in need of some black boots for going out in Berlin, a warm jacket of some sort, some going out tops and other rave-esque items. Lo and behold, I found some good tops, a GOLD PUFFER JACKET, and a giant selection of black boots that were in my size. It was like something out of a movie, the collection of treasures I came away with. 

Jaw agape and shaking from the sheer power of my manifesting prowess, I looked at the rack of boots (all in my size??) that represented one of each of the various styles of boots that I had been looking at online (read that again!), laid out in front of me, tangible and materialized from the online sphere, for cheap cheap prices. I walked away with a pair of somewhat trendy (for a an anti-trend snob me, a big deal) black calf high moto boots, and waltzed out of their like the world was my oyster. 

Head inflated beyond belief from my scores in the Buffalo, we walked (I floated) across the street to buy mini cookies and an assortment of olives and a box of meat from the Whole Foods hot lunch bar and headed back to Sarah's place to smoke weed and watch Rick and Morty (duhhhh!) Ranger let me borrow bright green gel polish, the likes of which I have in my personal collection at home. 

As I'm writing this, back in the Phoenix airport, gate D3 to be precise, I have my eyes on a fellow traveler using the same iphone charger I have in my backpack at my feet, a standard white block with a lime green cord. Twin cords, matching with my nails. It's my favorite color right now, quintessential lime green that has come to mean "GO" in our society. While lifting weights at the LA fitness this morning I saw a geriatric man wearing the dopest bright lime green Beats headphones, I immediately looked them up on electronic bay (eBay) and will be buying. 

The Phoenix airport is the gateway to my favorite place to visit; grandma's house, desert air, loved ones, evil driving habits, swim meets, and the Tempe Buffalo Exchange. 

xo, kate 

self adornment

 12/3

I fucking love getting dressed up

We are having a financial crisis 2008 escapism david guetta indie sleaze swag era scene kid pre finals catharsis bash. I started getting ready about 4 hours before the party was set to start, and it didnt take long before I started to look like the colorful creature i am inside. Getting ready, layering on bangles and necklaces, eyeshadow, tights, shorts, ripping and cutting my shirt, i was creating something. 

It was me, but it was also something I was adding to myself, so it was apart from me. but once i put it on, i felt whole. now i've been haunting around the home, begging for compliments from the roommates and doom scrolling. i'm nervous that it's going to get too rowdy tonight, and things are tense with * because we couldnt get the stripper pole to fit in any room, and i couldn't find fake money anywhere in this damn city, and our goddamn speaker doesn't have the right cable. cursing IT indefinitely for effing us over in that way.

Public transpo, cliques, and sunburns

  AUSTRALIA CHRONICLES: PART 2!!! Settling in and getting around

1/12/23

Packing, passport drama, and a 15 hour flight

 AUSTRALIA CHRONICALS: PART 1!!! Preparation and the voyagé